Divergent Chaos

Why did God make us?

He is an omnipotent being, he knows the past, present and future.

He created us out of what? out of love? out of need? for entertainment?

Imagine this:

God is sitting in in his sofa(heaven) and watching tv and the programs symbolizes our lives, the catch is..he knows every dialogue,plot twist,drama,climax and the ending.

Why did he create us?

He gave us freewill but he already knows the path we will take.

He created us even though he knows that he will send most of us to hell to suffer for eternity?

Does he cry when we suffer? Does he smile when we are happy? Does he care?

He knows what we think, what we desire and when we will die..

Is "free will’ such an important thing to a destiny that was already written even before we were created?

Is "free will" just a placebo to hide the truth about God’s desire for humanity?

Think.

A man once said that "The only thing we need to fear is fear itself"..but what about God?

is the fear of God important? why?

Think for yourself.

You made me drink poisoned love
And now i’m chasing after you for the cure.
Slowly, my hope is rotting away
Slowly, my soul is fading.

Sadness and pain tortures my heart
The agony is clawing its way into my sanity.
Truth is distorded, sight is failing..
Unable to see the beauty of other things..except yours.

Still I search for the antidote that lies within you..
Or am I still thirsty for more of your poisoned love?
TO choose to be released or to suffer more..
which should i choose?

Would it be reasonable to risk everything i have again ?
Should i gamble once more of what’s left of a broken heart ?
..If that is so..then..
Gambling with my destiny is just fine for i have nothing left to lose
anymore.

Even if we try to move one, a part of our life will still remain to be stuck in the past. It will continue to haunt us and torture us like a thorn deep inside our hearts that cant be removed except by removing our own heart with it.

Full of regret and wasted time and effort..All promise that was made before doesn’t mean anything now. It is now just a bunch of stupid lies that we wished we never said or never heard.

We struggle to move on out of the depression brought by unhappy events that led to a tragic break-up that has no apparent major reason..something that i felt too stupid..even just to think about it makes me angry at my self..

But nothing that I do now will not change anything that happened in the past..(except maybe when i invent a time machine or somehow just travel back to the past..hahaha).

Oh well…what’s done been done already..

I just need to find someone else that could love me and i could equally love…and life goes on..as it was and as it will ever be.

Time stood still when she said goodbye
The clouds stopped moving, the wind ceased.
Only a single frame existed in the blue sky.
Waves no longer rise from the calm seas.

It seemed that my world is coming a bitter end
All hope has passed, my heart feels numb
The are no more messages to send..
I’ve already said everything but i still feel stupid and dumb.

Everything felt bitter and meaningless
Because i was betrayed by my own love.
I never thought that i could feel this hopeless,
My heart no longer beats and throb.

I…I decided to give up this time..but not forever. Someday i’ll try to convince my self again to restart everything.

this feeling of non-existence eats my thoughts…

I feel like that no matter what i do, would not affect anything or anyone..

I am here but nobody sees me..

They look through me as is i’m not there..

In their mind, i dont exist.

The old year has come to past and the new year has come at last.

The memories of the past year still lingers within my mind, haunting and tormenting my soul.

2006 was the start of a supposedly wonderful love story for me..but it ended as the year had ended.

If God would give me another chance to rewrite that story, i would give up everything just to create a happier ending..

The climax had passed, the chapters are slowly fading away into obscurity..but word by word, moment by moment, the memories of that love would never fade in my heart.

I dont want to wait forever for nothing…but i really just want to have her back again..if God permits..and if not..i wish that he could make me forget..

I was about to give up all my hope but..i’m hoping that there would be a sequel, or probably a backstory to this love story.hahaha.

I’ve never loved anyone so much that i was willing to give up everything i had just to be with her even for just another day.

Most of the people who knows this story, only said two words to me..two words that i’m trying to deny…trying to ignore…trying to hide.."MOVE ON"

Who wants to move on?….after such an event?

While you are still being chewed alive by the pain that seeps deep within your heart and soul…making you feel so desperate, so meaningless and worthless..

Of course, i know a lot of people had already experienced this stuff..

This ends my ambient dreams..

What would the new year bring to me this time..?

I dont want to expect much this time..i’m already feeling like i’m in hell.

I dont want to hate her or blame her…because perhaps it was all my fault..my mistake..and if it was all mine, could God give me one more chance to undo what was done? and at what point of my life do i want to reset, restart, redo all the events that contributed to this pain..

hahaha..parang sci-fi,butterfly-effect….?

I think i’ve been too good at hiding my emotions..no one even had the clue that i was feeling so down and trouble..but that was what i really wanted..i dont want to bother anyone else about how i feel.

I wish that someday she could realize that this love was too great to be ignored..of course…iwould want her back in my life…so far thats how i feel…

someday…it might change..naturally,  i would find someone else to focus my attention to..

someone who would not love just one aspect of me…but the whole "me"…

there are still a lot of people in search for love in this world..searching blindly..

some are searching for something they already have, some are searching for something already in front of them just waiting to be acknowledged. Some are searching for a perfect love, but their love is not so perfect. …

And as the text message quote says:

"The greatest disease in the world isn’t medical, it is being unwanted, unloved and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases but the only cure for despair is love.There are those who are dying for a piece of bread, but more are dying for a little bit of love."

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!

..i cant deny that i’m still sad…hahaha..if only someone could help me forget..hmm…thank God there’s DOTA.