Divergent Chaos

Post-Christmas Depression..

Depressed, because of the impending chaos that awaits in the new year..

I usually like this depression, it gives variety to this mundane existence..

Everything seems to be out of reach, too far, too high, impossible…

My only exit is for me to feel apathy.. Never care and never hurt..

but..it is inevitable, for i am only human..

This year will end, but these emotions will continue on to the next..

Hope..Fate..Love..Destiny..Life..Death, soon none of them would matter…

So much change has happened to me this year.

My routines, my aspirations…..

I am more contented with my life now because i now earn for my self and buy what i want..

So many events unfolded, most were shocking and unexpected but they were "interesting"  enough to catch my attention.

New relationship have been destroyed and created, new paths opened, others closed.. leaving no trail.

I thank God for all the things that happened and for letting me know these wonderful people I’ve met and work with here in DBSOFT (Making data Work ..overtime).

I thank the people who became my inspirations and my reasons..

It would be a really nice holiday if Therese, Rey, Erickson and of course Mau were here..

I miss the past 6 months..

This is life, this is death

Curse this love, curse this fate

End this torment, end this hate

Start over with no abrupt fret.

Wait patiently, wait endlessly

Close your heart and mind,

up to the point of insanity

Break the ties that binds..

Live in apathy, Die happily

I think I deserve that headbutt…

The night is cold and the corridors are empty,

Silent moments are passing by, swiftly.

I look from here, at your empty chair

and think if fate have been truly fair.

What was it that i’ve done or said

That made our silent conversation dead?

Something that never started,

That has been quickly ended…

It had already been 6 months since i first knew her but I have only talked to her more or less than 10 times…

It was no accident why our situation is like that, it was because I chose it to be that way…

I never really wanted to get too close to her because of my insecurities.

Sleep, I want to sleep….

But I dont want to miss the events that happens around me when i sleep..

Feels like everything went back to start…

Back to the old days, days of silent contemplation and self-conversations.

There’s nothing wrong with it except the fact that I’m starting to be too addicted with solitude.

I’ve never ever told anyone anything about my thoughts, besides by skirmishes with stupid cupid who always tries to cheat me out of my Nirvana.

These past few days…I’m again experiencing events in my life that happened before, dejavu?

History will repeat itself over and over again until we pop out into insanity and confusion.

For me, living becomes the hardest challenge. I never really get the things that I really really want..

and what’s worse is that i can never get my self to settle for the second-best…

Ugh.

Yes.. it is true. This week is my nightshift schedule.

I’ll be home on the morning of the 24th to sleep, then after i wake up, it would probably be christmas already…

I’ll miss the pre-christmas events in the office…at home….and on the places where i would like to be…

I really love to gamble..

with my money,possessions,my life, my heart……

I see my self as a very persistent risk taker, i’ll give-up almost everyting i have just to gain the things i want.

Even if I’m on the losing side, i’ll never back-out no matter how high the stake is.

                                            I’ll take on any chance no matter how small it is.

                                            If death is the price of losing, then so be it. I’ll gladly accept it.

                                           But of course…losing is not an option..

The Winner takes it all.

The losers slowly rot and then fade away into oblivion.